Addicted
by GremlinGirl
Summary: Kaoru has always loved his brother, however, he is only now realizing the depth of that love. He knows his twin could never reciprocate his feelings. Falling into a state of depression, Kaoru begins to cut himself and use drugs to mask the pain. However, Hikaru soon begins to notice something is amiss with his twin. TW: depression, cutting, drug use
1. Chapter 1

**Wow, I haven't posted a new story in a while. Oh well! Here's this one. I'd like to list off some warnings for this story before I get into it. So, there's gonna be drug use, and lot's of it. Also alcohol. Self harm will play a role in future chapters, it just gets a kinda mention in this one. There's also gonna be some sex later on. This is a Hikaru/Kaoru story so if you're not into that, I'd quit reading now. Other than that, know that I don't own Ouran High School Host Club and never will. Enjoy!**

The room was trashed, newspapers flung across the floor of hard concrete. The place smelled of death, a lingering scent that engulfed any person who dared to enter. The wallpaper was peeling from the faded wood walls. In the corner, a young red head lay next to an empty syringe. His heart slowly thumped in his chest, pupils dilated. He lied there for several hours until the high left him.

Sitting up, he leaned against the wall and closed his eyes. His heart slowly picked up to its normal rhythm and his breathing sped up to a healthy pace. After a few moments, he forced himself to his feet and picked up his jacket from off the floor. He slipped the purple fabric over his white undershirt and tried to tame his hair a bit. Just as he was about to leave, the phone in his pocket begin to beep, announcing a call. Pulling it out of his pocket, he swiped to answer it.

"Hey…Hikaru…" he answered, trying to keep his words from slurring any. He was still on the edge from his high and didn't want to make it seem obvious.

"Where the hell are you?" his twin shouted into the line. Kaoru jerked the phone away from his ear, feeling a headache coming on rather quickly. "You weren't at school for like our last two periods, and you're late for Host Club. I'm worried about you. Where are you?"

"I didn't feel real good, so I decided to go out. I'm fine, I promise."

There was silence on the other end for a moment. Kaoru bit his lip. Hikaru had always been able to pick up on his emotions. There was no one on Earth that he was closer to. However, there had always been a hole in their relationship that couldn't be filled with brotherly bonding. Kaoru wanted this desperately but he knew deep inside that he would never have his feelings reciprocated.

"Listen, Hikaru… I'll be right back. I'm heading back to the school now. I promise I won't be long." Kaoru leaned down and picked up his syringe that was still lying on the floor.

"You worry me sometimes, Kaoru…" He heard his brother sigh. "Be careful on the way back, okay? Call a cab or something, don't walk. I don't know why you just didn't take the car when you left school. Is your brain messed up or something?"

"To be completely honest, I'm a bit foggy right now." Kaoru chuckled a bit, then winced as his head was enveloped in a pang of throbbing pain. "Look, I just want to go ahead and head back. So, I'm going to hang up now."

"Alright…" Hikaru paused for a moment, and Kaoru almost hung up, but then he spoke again. "I love you, Kaoru. And if you have anything you need to talk about, you know you can always come to me. I'm your brother."

"Yeah, I love you, too." Kaoru took a deep breath, brushing a strand of hair out of his eyes. "I'll see you in a few minutes."

He didn't wait for his brother to respond again, not wanting to get stuck in another long drawn out conversation about his deteriorating mental state. Hikaru would eventually catch on to his depression and drug use, the twins couldn't hide anything from each other, but Kaoru wanted to keep it under wraps for as long as possible. He was already having trouble hiding the razor scars and needle tracks. His arms seemed permanently bruised. It was difficult, sleeping in the same room as his brother, going almost everywhere with his brother, trying to hide these things from his brother.

For Kaoru, it seemed he'd reached the brink of his life and was just waiting to teeter over the edge. He had tried finding meaning in other things, but he'd always come back to the same realization. Hikaru was the only thing that truly mattered to him. Without him, his life and everything in it held almost no meaning. The world was grey to the teenager, Hikaru being the only bright spot in it.

He quickly slipped the syringe into the pocket of his jacket and walked out into the blinding sunlight. He had been hiding out in an old building in the inner city. This was where he always came when he needed to get high and he couldn't go home. Or it was during the school day like today. It was just a short walk to a bus station that would take him straight to the doors of Ouran Academy.

The trip there only took about ten minutes. Then, the teenager quickly ran up the stairs of the school and to the music room where the Host club held their meetings. As he slid in, already out of breath, he was blindsided by an over excited, small blonde. Honey jumped onto his back, clinging onto him tightly.

"Kaoru! We were sooooo worried when you didn't show up!" Honey yelled, nuzzling the others neck. "Never ever disappear like that again, alright? Promise?"

"Uh, I'll try and make sure to do that…" Kaoru said, pulling the others arms from around his neck and setting him back on the ground. He didn't even take another step before his brother had found him as well. Wrapping his arms around the younger twin, Hikaru was soon crushing him to his body.

"Jesus Christ, Kaoru, you can't keep disappearing like that on me!" he scolded. "If you don't quit doing that, I'm going to handcuff you to me so that you'll never be out of my sight again."

A chorus of "awwws" and "ooooos" came from the girls that quickly surrounded the twins. Working at the Host Club had caused the twins to develop a very large fan base of girls. These fangirls ate up anything that made it seem there was a romantic connection between the twins, but a lot of the times, they didn't even have to act for them. They were already so close, as it was. In the past, their close relationship had been the cause of the school shunning them, but now it made them two of the most popular people in school, along with the rest of the Host Club.

However, when Kaoru managed to pull away from his twin and look into his warm, golden eyes, he realized that Hikaru wasn't acting for the fangirls' sakes. He had actually been very concerned about him. Of course, he would be. The twins barely spent any time apart. When they were separated, both felt it deep in their bones. Almost like a piece of them had been torn away. Still, Hikaru didn't have the same feelings that Kaoru had for him.

"I'm sorry, Hika," the younger said, smiling at his brother sweetly. "I just felt sick earlier so I… I didn't want to stay at school. I still don't really feel alright."

"Do you want to go ahead and go home?"

"I would like that, actually."

"You're not going anywhere…" another voice added. From the gathering of fans stepped a tall, dark haired figure. His glasses flashed as he pushed them up the bridge of his nose. He snapped the notebook clenched in his hand closed and fixed both twins with a withering glare. "This is the third time this month you've missed, Kaoru. If you miss again, you'll be out of the club."

"Woah, wait a minute, Kyoya." Hikaru said, looking at the taller teen. "It's not Kaoru's fault that he's sick. You're being downright cruel right now."

"The problem is, I don't actually think he's sick. I think he's been sneaking out of school and skipping out on club obligations for some other reason. I haven't figured out exactly what yet, but believe me, if you keep it up, I will." He flipped his raven hair out of his eyes, and crossed his arms. "It's up to you Kaoru. Do you still want to be in the club or not? If you do, I'd stay until the day is over."

"Now, wait a damn minute…" Hikaru started, advancing on the other. Kaoru, however, pulled him back and gave him a warning look.

"Don't fight over this… It's fine. He's right. I shouldn't be skipping so much."

"But…look at you. You're so pale, and you haven't looked too good for a couple of weeks now. You're obviously sick." Hikaru leaned in a whispered, "He's just got a stick so far up his ass that the only thing he cares about is the club's damn reputation for punctuality."

Kaoru chuckled a bit, then reached down and took his twin's hands. "I don't mind staying for a while longer." He leaned in and kissed his brother on the cheek. The girls around them burst out in squeals of happiness. Hikaru smirked at him, slipping back into the act as Kaoru knew he would. He winked at his younger twin then led him over to one of the couches in the large room. The fangirls followed them, happy to finally get some of the brotherly love action they so desperately desired.

The boys (and Haruhi) kept up their respective acts for a few more hours before Kyoya decided it was an appropriate time to shut the Host Club down for the day. The Hitachiin twins left immediately after saying a quick goodbye to the rest of the club. Kaoru could still tell that Hikaru was angry with Kyoya for not letting them leave earlier, but thankfully he kept his temper in check and didn't say anything else about it until they got into their limousine.

"That damn Kyoya," Hikaru complained, hitting the back of the seat. "He thinks he's so awesome and smart. Where does he get off thinking he can speak to us like that? I mean, I realize he's older, but God damn that doesn't mean he's better than us. And to threaten to kick us out of the club? That's just plain ridiculous!"

"He only threatened me, you know…" Kaoru said, scooting closer to his brother and laying his head down on the other's shoulder. "He never said anything about you."

"And you think that matters to me?" Hikaru scoffed, rolling his eyes. "If he were to kick you out, does he really think I would ever come back? No. I'd leave with you. Besides, what draw do I have for the club without our little act?"

"Yeah, our act…" Kaoru yawned, then grabbed his brother's hand and intertwined their fingers. "Do you think anyone actually buys that? Like, do they think we go home and keep it up, that we're actually romantically involved?"

"I wouldn't be surprised if some of these crazy fan chicks actually do believe it!" Hikaru laughed slightly, then leaned his head down on top of his brother's. "I mean, we are closer than what would be considered normal for a lot of brothers. Not like it really matters, though, you know? We don't have to explain ourselves to anyone but ourselves. Right?"

"That's what I've always believed…" Kaoru chuckled.

"Besides, it's not like we're doing anything wrong," Hikaru smiled to himself, pulling his younger twin closer to himself. "We're just close. That's all."

Kaoru felt the smile slip from his face. "Yeah… Just close. Like brothers."

The twins sat in a comfortable silence for the next several minutes. Silence was never uncomfortable between the two. Even their breathing matched up perfectly with one another. There was no surprise that the two were so easily confused with one another, as they were so in synch with each other. Or so it appeared from the outside.

They could walk in step with each other. Act as mirror images without pre planning anything. It seemed when one moved, the other would at the exact same moment. However, as they sat in the back of their limousine, going towards home, their minds couldn't have been more disconnected. Kaoru fought with his subconscious, fought the feelings of desire and love that were directed at his twin. Hikaru sat in complete rest, mind at ease, if a bit tinged with the worry that his brother might be sick. However, neither of them thought to speak their mind to the other.

When the car pulled up in front of the large house, Hikaru gladly held his brother's hand and walked him upstairs to the room they shared. It was painted light blue, a sky blue, a color the twins had picked out themselves. There were two beds in the room, however, one always remained untouched. The twins always slept together as Kaoru would have nightmares otherwise.

"I'm going to take a shower," Hikaru announced, releasing his brother's hand. "You wanna share the shower or just wait 'till I'm done?"

Kaoru would have liked nothing more than to shower with his brother, it was something they had done together since they were young, but he couldn't let Hikaru see the scars on his arms. If he ever did notice them, there was no way that Kaoru could explain them away without being absolutely truthful. He wasn't ready to explain why he cut himself or why he had so many needle marks on his arm just yet.

"I'll wait," he whispered, dropping down on the bed and beginning to take off his shoes.

Hikaru stared at him in surprise for a moment. It had been several weeks since Kaoru had showered with him and it was odd to say the least. The older twin wondered for a minute if he was starting to be weirded out by it, since they were getting older and it wasn't exactly normal for siblings to shower together. Instead of pressing the issue, he just shrugged and walked into the bathroom himself.

"Don't use up all the hot water!" Kaoru shouted at the closed door, which earned him a devilish chuckle. "Asshole…" he muttered under his breath, before he stood and took off his jacket and shirt.

Looking in the mirror attached to the bathroom door, he realized that his ribs were beginning to poke out of his sides. He didn't know if it was the drugs or the fact he hadn't been eating much lately, but he'd definitely lost some weight. Brushing this off, he quickly emptied his pockets of any traces of the drugs, the needles, or the syringe he kept with him at all times and stashed them deep in his drawer. When Hikaru got out of the shower, Kaoru quickly took his place, before the older twin could get a good look at him. The last thing Kaoru wanted was for Hikaru to start worrying about his weight. In the shower, Kaoru washed off the stress of the day, trying not to think of the drugs or the love he felt for his brother.

 **Leave a review, please!**


	2. Chapter 2

**New chapter. I hope everyone didn't get too tired of waiting. I worked hard on this chapter and I honestly think it's one of the greatest things I've written in a long time. Not that I'm bragging or anything. It's still not that good. But good for me, I guess. Enjoy the chapter! I don't own Ouran High School Host Club and never will.**

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A beeping alarm broke into the teenager's subconscious, dispelling the dream he was having. Groaning, he just moved closer to the warm body beside him, trying to block out the obnoxious sound. He felt an arm reach around him and shut off the alarm so that the room was once more plunged into a beautiful silence. Only their breathing could be heard in the large room. Kaoru smiled to himself, enjoying the moment of closeness with his brother before it was ripped away.

Hikaru let him cling for a few more minutes before stretching, effectively pulling out of the other's grasp. "We got to get ready for school, Kaoru. If we don't get up now, we're going to be late."

"Oh, who cares?" the younger complained. "It's just school. Besides, I want to stay right here with you." He gently reached up and ran his fingers through his brother's hair, smiling at him almost tenderly.

Hikaru chuckled. "Why are you always so clingy in the mornings? What's with that, huh?" He sat up, stretching his arms above his head and yawning. "Because of you we've been late two times to class this month. If we're late again, we might end up being punished. So let's not do that, okay?"

"They're not going to do anything to us," Kaoru insisted, still refusing to sit up. "Mom would have an aneurism if the school tried anything."

"If you're still feeling sick, I'm sure you could just stay home," Hikaru shrugged, then stood up walking over to their large closet. Going inside, he flipped on the light switch. His voice echoed from inside as he continued speaking. "But, I'm still failing my foreign language studies course, so I really don't need to miss a day of that, you know?"

"When did you start caring about your grades, Hikaru?" the other asked, finally sitting up and rubbing his eyes.

"No, the real question is, when are you going to start. I know about that math grade, Kaoru. I saw you hiding your last report card."

Kaoru flushed a little bit, then swung his legs over the side of the bed. "Maybe if you would let me copy your homework like you used to I wouldn't be failing. We used to have each other's backs that way, remember? Those were the good days." Kaoru stood and walked into the closet, watching as his brother changed into his school uniform.

"Do you mean back in middle school when everyone thought we were weirdos and we had no friends? And the only people we talked to were each other? I don't know Kaoru. I think I'm perfectly happy where we are now with the Host Club, even though that Kyoya is being a real jerk recently." Hikaru turned around, smiling at his twin. It was a real smile, not one of those smirks that he always wore around other people. Kaoru was the only one who ever saw his real smile.

"He's just doing his job, I guess…" the younger twin muttered. Then, he walked over to his brother and wrapped his arms around his neck. "Still, I do kinda miss when we were just ourselves, you know? With no one else to worry about. Don't you miss that, Hika?" He couldn't help the hopeful tone his voice had, an edge of desperation also connected to it.

Hikaru looked at him in surprise, then slowly pushed him away so he could straighten his tie. "I guess…I miss how close we used to be. We're not really that connected anymore. But that's not such a bad thing, is it? We're gaining a bit of independence from each other."

Kaoru turned, a sigh breaking from his chest, and walked to his side of the closet. Pulling a white button up from off a hanger, he smoothed the fabric in his hands. "I don't want independence," he whispered quietly. "I want to be with you, like we used to be."

"What'd you say, Kaoru?" his brother asked, looking over as he slipped his arm into his jacket.

"Nothing, Hika," the other replied, smiling over at his brother flatly. Turning again, he started to take off his sleeping attire. Before his brother would have had a chance to see his scars, he quickly put on the white shirt. He listened to his twin's footsteps as he headed out of the closet and into the bathroom.

Kaoru felt tears well up in his eyes, but somehow kept them from falling to his cheeks. He couldn't cry right now, not with Hikaru only a short distance away. It was hard, hard to be so close to his brother all the time but unable to act on his desires. It was like placing a beer in front of a recovering alcoholic and tying their hands together so they can't touch it. It was an unending pining he had.

He hurried to finish dressing, walking out of the closet as he straightened his tie, running straight into Hikaru. "Hey," his brother greeted, laughing slightly. "You still having trouble with this, after all this time?" His hands rose, knocking Kaoru's out of the way to fix the tie for him. "Eventually, you'll have to do it on your own, you know?" A chuckle escaped his lips, then he patted his brother's arms. "Come on, let's get going before we're late again."

"Okay," Kaoru said, smiling slightly. He reached up, intertwining his fingers with Hikaru's. Together, they walked out of the room and started down the stairs of their large mansion. The red carpeting over the stairs led down into the rich marble of the foyer below. A large, extravagant chandelier hung above their heads casting the room into a nice, warm glow. Servants stood at the doors, opening them for the twins as they walked past and down the driveway to the waiting limousine to take them to school.

"You know, Kaoru," the elder said, after settling into the back of the limo. "We haven't really messed with the girls at the club much recently. It's just been a bit bland, you know? Maybe we should plan something for today, hmmn?"

"What'd you have in mind, Hika? You're the idea man."

"What if we staged a break-up? Stormed out in a blast of fury?"

"We did that already, remember?" Kaoru said, smile waning a bit. "Back when we were messing with Haruhi? Let's try something else?"

"Huh, I guess you're right… But we need to do something to spice things up again. Get the blood flowing again. The club's just losing some of its interest for me. I don't know. If we do something to shake things up a bit, maybe I'll start being interested again."

"What boring about, huh?" Kaoru asked, pouting a bit. "Is it me?"

"No…" Hikaru said, looking at him strangely. "What's with this self-confidence issue all of a sudden, huh?" He reached over and ran his fingers through his younger twin's hair. "You've been acting awful funny lately. Is there something I should know?"

He leaned his head into the other's hand, smiling softly. "Nothing, Hika. You know I haven't been feeling well lately, and I just kinda keep thinking about…things. Things like how we're in high school,a nd eventually we'll have to go to university. And honestly, I'm afraid of us being separated. I know it's stupid, and childish, but-"

"That's not stupid, Kaoru. I worry about that, too." Hikaru scooted over across the seat, wrapping an arm around his brother's shoulder. "But you don't need to worry about that. I love you, Kaoru. You'll always be my little brother. Okay? Nothing can change that."

"Yeah. Of course Hikaru." Kaoru looked down, then leaned over against his brother. "Now that I'm thinking about it, though…" he said, a mischievous edge to his voice. "I think I might have an idea of how to shake things up in the Host Club." He looked up at his brother, a new light in his eyes and a smirk on his lips. "But we're going to need a little help from Haruhi…"

Kaoru didn't know how he did it, but somehow he made it through the day without the pangs of addiction dragging him away from the school and to his hideaway in the city. Halfway through lunch, he slipped his hand in his pocket, searching for his drugs, but came up empty. He had forgotten them at home in his drawer. He bit his lip, looking at the tray of food in front of him, suddenly finding it very unappetizing. After a moment, however, he brushed the feeling off and stuffed a bite of noodles in his mouth. He could get through the day; he had to get through the day.

Across from him, Hikaru slipped a the packets of ketchup Haruhi had dropped on the table in front of them into his jacket pocket. She had, as requested by them that morning, swiped them from a fast food restaurant before getting to school. Now, that she was officially dating Tamaki, she had rides to school every morning and pretty much access to whatever she wanted. Still, she didn't mind doing a small favor for her friends, even if she had no idea why in hell they would need so much ketchup. They would switch the packets out later by simply exchanging jackets between classes.

After what seemed like endless hours of class, the twins walked hand in hand to the Host Club, Hikaru smirking widely. He was unable to contain his joy at the glorious prank they were about to pull. Kaoru just loved seeing his twin happy, and he would do anything to keep it that way. The plan they had concocted would sure to leave the twin satisfied for weeks, though it might leave some of the Host's clients scarred for much longer.

"Hey girls, did you know me and Kaoru used to be on a gymnastics team?" Hikaru asked some of the girls. The twins were sitting next to each other on a couch, a group of girls sitting in chairs surrounding them. Hikaru had his arm wrapped around Kaoru, who was looking down and blushing bashfully. Their act was in full swing and the girls around them were eating it up.

"Oh my gosh, you never told us that," a girl chimed in, gushing. "Did you do like, cartwheels and flips and stuff?"

"Oh we did all that and more," Hikaru continued, dramatizing the story greatly. The truth was, when they were eight years old, their mother decided they should expand their horizons a bit and hired a private gymnastics instructor. The twins hated it, however, and spent the next several weeks making the man's life miserable until he quit the job. Their mother gave up on trying to force them into activities soon after. "But the main thing we did was partner work. My favorite was when we made a human tower. Do you remember that Kaoru?"

"How could I forget?" Kaoru asked, looking up at his brother, blush still present. "You supported me with your strong shoulders. I've never felt safer than lifted in the air by you."

"Oh, Kaoru. You know I'd never let you fall."

As the twins gazed into each other's eyes, the girls around them squealed in delight. Kyoya who had been walking by happened to stop to listen to the conversation. He knew the twins weren't gymnastics experts as they claimed, and was starting to smell trouble.

"Hikaru, Kaoru?" one of the quieter girls asked shyly. The twins tore their attention from each other and focused on her. "Might we be able to see some of your routines?"

Hikaru smirked widely. "I thought you'd never ask." He stood quickly, grabbing his twin's hand and pulling him to his feet. "Come on Kaoru. Let's show the girl's our signature move."

"That was always my favorite."

Hikaru cupped his hands together, and Kaoru stepped in it. Boosting himself up, he climbed up onto Hikaru's shoulders, shakily straightening up. It wasn't long before everyone in the room, including the Hosts, were staring at the twins as they worked to balance themselves. Hikaru grabbed onto Kaoru's ankles as he straightened up, helping to hold his brother in place. Kaoru straightened up as well, holding his arms out and smiling victoriously. The girls all broke into applause, some squealing in delight.

Then, without warning, Kaoru suddenly lost his balance. He jerked forward, flailing his arms. "Hikaru!" he shouted, falling towards the floor, desperation in his tone.

"No, Kaoru!" the elder shouted, dropping to his knees as Kaoru came tumbling down, landing on the floor in a heap. Kaoru, composing himself quickly from the fall which was not actually that serious, reached into his jacket and squeezed the ketchup packets until they burst, causing thick red gunk to paint his hand and white shirt.

Hikaru scooted forward, lifting Kaoru up and cradling him in his arms. "Kaoru, are you okay?" The Hosts and clients quickly gathered around the twins, faces all warped into differing masks of horror. Kaoru took his hand out of his jacket, reaching it up towards Hikaru. The crowd gasped, falling right into the twins' trap.

"Blood!" a random girl's voice screeched, which caused the rest of the crowd to join the panic.

"Oh, Kaoru. I'm so sorry," Hikaru said, leaning down and pressing his forehead against his brother's chest. "Please, don't be hurt. I don't know what I'd do with myself without you by my side."

"Hikaru…everything is…going black…" the younger twin said, letting his hand drop back down. "I think…this is my last…my last moments."

"No!" the girls screamed in unison, some dropping down to their knees and crying out.

"Kaoru…" Hikaru whispered, his body beginning to be racked with sobs. Sobs that quickly turned to laughter as he sat up, wiping away tears. "Kaoru. I think we fooled all of them."

The younger twin sat up, putting his weight back on his elbows. "Really? Then our plan worked."

The girls all let out surprised huffs that quickly turned to cries of relief as they all crowded around the twins. Any resentment that should have been felt by the girls for being so horribly tricked was wiped away by the sheer joy they felt at Kaoru not being injured. The twins continued their act, loving on each other for the next several minutes before Kyoya announced the end of the Club's hours.

"That was a terrible stunt you two pulled today," Kyoya reprimanded the twins after all the girls had filed out. They were still on the floor, Kaoru leaning back on his brother's lap while Hikaru ran his fingers through his hair. "What would you have done if Kaoru had actually been hurt? Or if the girls were offended by it? You jeopardized the whole Host Club. It was irresponsible."

"Calm down, Kyoya," Hikaru complained. "Nothing bad happened. So get off your high horse and let us have a little fun, alright?"

The raven haired teen stared at the twins for a moment before slamming his notebook closed, pushing the glasses up the bridge of his nose, turning on his heel, and walking away. The twins both burst into laughter that carried over to where Tamaki and Haruhi were standing, saying their goodbyes before Haruhi headed home. After they'd gained her attention, Haruhi quickly walked over to the boys and glared fiercely.

"That really was a terrible joke to play," she said, voice calm but with an edge to it. "Seriously you guys, do you know how horrible it would be if either one of you actually got hurt? What it would do to us, your friends? We all care about you so stop acting so selfish. A few harmless pranks is one thing, but this? This is crazy." She shook her head, then stormed off, Tamaki running after her.

Kaoru's smile slipped from his face as he sat up. "Maybe she's right, Hika. That was kinda terrible."

"Whatever," Hikaru said, standing up. He helped Kaoru to his feet, then wrapped an arm around his shoulders. "Who cares? Let's go home, alright?"

Kaoru agreed, then the two walked out of the room and through the school. Outside, they met with their limo. Hikaru laid across the seat, head in Kaoru's lap the whole way home, jabbering about what an awesome prank they had pulled. Kaoru, for reasons he did not understand, was overcome by a horrible sense of guilt at what he'd done. The usually apathetic Haruhi had gotten to him, her biting words leaving their mark in him.

He didn't necessarily know what it would be like if something were to happen to him. He was generally one of the least important ones in his friend group, at least in his mind. He always faded into the background, or worse, Hikaru's shadow. People seemed to forget he was there, or forget that he and his brother were separate people. And while he did love his brother, probably more than he should in ways that he shouldn't, he wasn't inseparable from him.

All this rushed through his head as his twin chattered on, completely and blissfully unaware of the shaky state of his brother's mental state. Kaoru knew before they'd even gotten to the house that tonight was going to be a rough one, filled with destructive decisions and suicidal actions. As they walked through the door of their mansion, Kaoru wasn't sure he'd make it through the night.

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 **Review? It makes the writer very happy! :)**


	3. Chapter 3

**New chaper! Okay, so TW for this chapter: Drug use and heavy mentions of self harm, cutting.**

 **Other than that, this chapter is just a lot of angst and feels. As always, I don't own Ouran High School Host Club and never will. Hope you enjoy!**

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Kaoru entered the bathroom, towel and pajamas in hand. Tucked under the layer of fabric was his syringe. The room was still steamy from Hikaru's shower, but Kaoru didn't care. He turned the water on, sitting on the edge of the large tub. He let the basin fill up, the water steaming. He dipped his hand into it, loving the burning sensation that it gave him. He quickly removed his clothes, tossing them onto the floor a few feet away. The ketchup stained shirt was the last to go before he lowered himself into the water.

As he lied in the burning water, his skin tingling from the heat, his thoughts drifted to his brother who was surely settling down for the night. His teasing giggle echoed in his mind. He loved Hikaru with all his heart. There was nobody else in the world that understood him the way Hikaru seemed to. He was always there for him. But now, Kaoru felt utterly alone. He couldn't tell anyone his feelings, especially not Hikaru.

With the tub almost overflowing, Kaoru quickly sat up and flipped the water off. He brought his knees up to his chest, watching the steam rise from the water, swirling in the air in front of him. He breathed it in, the moisture filling his lungs as water droplets dripped from his hair and rolled down his back into the water once more. His hand slowly reached over the side of the tub and picked up the syringe. It was already ready for use, filled with the melted down heroin that he so craved.

He pushed the needle into his arm, pressing the syringe down slowly. Pulling it out, he threw it across the room, not caring where it ended up. Sliding back into the water, his head pressed against the cool, clammy wall, he readied himself for the high to overtake him. After a moment, his heartrate begin to slow, his breathing coming out more labored and slower than before. His eyes glazed over as a small smile came to his face. His vision swam, shapes beginning to appear in the steam before him. A rose. The doors of the host club opening up before him. His brother's face.

The edged of his vision darkened, the steam dissipating again so that he was just staring at the coral tiles of his bathroom wall again. His heart's irregular beating seamed to slow to almost nothing. Through the high, a pang of depression broke through as he realized that he had just as much chance of keeping the steam version of his brother as he did the flesh and blood one. There was a rift between them, and he was probably the one causing it. He couldn't be satisfied just being his brother; he wanted more than he could have. Slowly, he slid down farther, the water rising to his chin. Then, his vision blurred again, darkening swiftly. He let out a ragged breath before allowing himself to drift into unconsciousness.

He felt cold. A wintry temperature surrounding his body, dragging him down farther. He opened his eyes, glassy vision distorting the figure above him. Two hands plunged down, gripping his shoulders and pulling him up out of the bitter cold. His lungs filled with oxygen, bringing him from his muddled mental state. He saw Hikaru's worried face hovering over him, like some sort of angel.

"Kaoru," he said, shaking the limp body in his arms slightly. "Kaoru! Are you alright?" There was panic in his voice, a deep sort of anguish as he stared at the others glossy eyes and blue lips.

The cold water bit at his skin, causing him to jolt to alertness. He sat up, teeth beginning to chatter together. "What," he began, shaking violently. "What happened?"

"I don't know," HIkaru said, letting go of him and dropping to his knees beside the bathtub. "I came to check on you 'cause you've been in here forever and you were underwater. I didn't know how long you'd been under there. I thought you were dead, Kaoru."

"Of course I'm not dead," Kaoru said, looking down. "Can I get a towel or something?"

"Yeah," his brother said, worry still tainting his voice.

He stood and picked up the towel from beside the bathtub. Kaoru stood as well, the water rolling off his naked body. He shivered in the cold air, then stepped out and let his brother warp him in the warm, fuzzy fabric. He tucked his arms in the towel, just hoping that Hikaru hadn't yet noticed the scars. The older twin leaned over and pulled the plug, letting the water drain out. Kaoru watched it, seemingly transfixed by the water swirling around and down the drain.

"Here," Hikaru said, handing Kaoru his pajamas. "You should dry off and get dressed before you get sick."

"Yeah, thanks." Kaoru watched his brother walk from the bathroom before rushing over and shutting the bathroom door again. Back pressed against it, he slid down the wooden surface. He tried to hold down the tears that threatened to spill onto his cheeks. He had been so close. Just a few more minutes and he would have probably been dead. And there was a part of him that wished Hikaru hadn't found him when he did.

Looking over, he saw the syringe he'd thrown earlier lying beside the trashcan. He reached over, picking it up and clutched it to his chest. His only hope now was to get more heroin and inject as much as physically possible. He heard a soft knock on the other side of the door and quickly stood up.

"Hold on, I'm still changing," he said, barely loud enough for his brother to hear. Then, he turned and let the towel slide off his shoulder. He set the syringe down on the bar before slowly putting the pajamas on. Looking at himself in the mirror, he fought to swallow the lump in his throat. He saw himself, but he also saw his brother.

Picking up the syringe again, he walked over and dropped it into the trashcan. He could get another easily. Another knock sounded at the door. His brother was getting anxious. Walking over, he swung it open, forcing a small smile for his brother.

"Someone's impatient," he joked.

Hikaru stared at him for a moment before pushing past him and picking up the towel. "For someone who took so long, you did a really bad job of drying yourself off. And if you think I'm letting you get in my bed with wet hair, you've got another thing coming."

He draped the towel over his head and begin drying his hair rather roughly. Kaoru grimaced a little but let him fuss over him without complaint. He let his arms hang limply as his sides and Hikaru dried his hair then picked up a comb off the counter and ran it through the red locks. This time, his hands were gentle, one coming to rest on the younger twin's cheek as the other tamed the hair. As he set down the comb, finally, his other hand brushed the bangs out of Kaoru's eyes.

"Now, that's a lot better, isn't it?" he asked, letting go of him completely.

Kaoru frowned a bit, immediately missing his brother's touch, but he nodded in response. Then, he leaned forward and hugged his brother tightly. "Thanks for always taking care of me, Hikaru," he whispered.

"Aw, come one," he said, gently pushing his brother away. "I haven't done anything special. Come on, you look like you need some sleep." He took his hand instead, pulling from the bathroom, flipping off the light.

The bed had never looked more inviting for the younger twin as he settled in beside his older brother. Hikaru flicked the lamp off. He felt completely enveloped in the warmth and contentment that it brought to him. Almost cocooned together in the blankets, his first reaction was to get as close to his brother as possible.

Wrapping his arms around the younger twin, Hikaru whispered quietly, "Kaoru, can I ask you something?"

"Of course, Hikaru," he answered.

"Were you…trying to drown yourself in there?"

Kaoru sucked in a breath, then hid his face against his brother's shoulder. "N-no, why would you think that?" His voice came out shaky and unconvincing.

"Because, you've been acting so strangely lately. Like, nothing really makes you smile anymore. You're just kind of drifting. You skip school, don't care about grades or anything. You've even lost interest in the Host Club. Like that prank we pulled today. You weren't nearly as invested in it as you normally are. I've never seen you so sad. And, Kaoru… I've seen those scars."

He immediately stiffened, squeezing his eyes shut to keep the tears inside. He reached forward and gripped onto the fabric of his brother's shirt, shaking his head. "I never wanted you to see those."

"Did you really think I wouldn't notice? We live together, are together almost 24/7. Is that the reason you've gotten so shy all of the sudden?"

Kaoru nodded, a few tears slipping out and rolling down his cheeks. "I've just been…sad lately. 'Cause we're getting torn apart and I don't like it. I miss when we were younger, you know? I miss when you cared about me more than anyone else. Now, I feel like you care more about the Club than you do me."

"That's not true, though…" Hikaru said, pulling out of the vice tight grip Kaoru had on him. He tilted his brother's face up toward him and wiped the salty tears off his cheeks. "I do care about you more than anything. You're my little brother and I love you."

Though his words were meant to be comforting, they reminded Kaoru of the impossibility of his desires and sent him over the edge, tears beginning to spill freely over his cheeks. His strangled sobbing made Hikaru even more desperate to calm him down. The two hugged in the darkness, Kaoru for once not necessarily enjoying being so close to his brother. He wanted to crawl into some dark corner and die a slow and painful death.

He felt his brother's long fingers running through his hair, a soothing voice muttering calming words that went in one ear and out the other. His tears very slowly subsided, though the sadness inside didn't disappear. However, Hikaru apparently saw the lack of crying as a success and once again pulled away from Kaoru, leaving him feeling cold and vulnerable.

"Kaoru, you really shouldn't hurt yourself," Hikaru said. "There's a lot of alternative things you can do besides cutting and they're a lot better for you. I'll help you stop, okay?"

"Maybe I don't want to stop," he whispered. "Everything hurts and I'll be damned if I let someone take away the one thing that sorta makes me feel better. Even if that person is you. Can't you just pretend you never saw anything and we go about our lives like normal?"

"Hell no," Hikaru said, voice sounding slightly angry. "You're going to stop this shit, okay? I can't just sit by and let you hurt yourself. That's bullshit. What if you accidently cut too deep or something or… Or did it on purpose." His voice lowered to a whisper. "I'd never forgive myself. If you die, well… I'd just have to die right along with you because I don't want to live in a world without you."

The younger twin stayed silent, the idea of Hikaru killing himself horrifying him into a stunned stupor. If there was anything in the world he wanted to avoid, it was that. Hikaru couldn't kill himself, Kaoru wouldn't let that happen. He slowly reached out and took his big brother's hand in his own. "Don't say that," he whispered. "I'm not going to die, I promise." He leaned up and pressed a chaste kiss to Hikaru's cheek. "You don't have to worry about me. I'm a big boy, I can take care of myself. Just…don't ever leave me, okay? You're the only thing keeping me here."

"I would never, ever do that," Hikaru said. "You'll always be my little brother. It's my job to take care of you, so that's what I'll do, okay?" He wrapped his arm around the other, pulling him against his chest. "Don't ask me not to. That's not fair. I'll stay with you and take care of you for as long as you need me."

"Yeah," Kaoru said, burying his face in his brother's shoulder again. "Alright, I'll make a deal with you. You take care of me, and I'll take care of you."

"No, you take care of yourself. That's all I want from you." He leaned down and pressed his forehead against the top of Kaoru's head. "Do we have a deal?"

"Yeah, we have a deal," Kaoru said, wanting to say anything to appease his brother.

Silence fell around the two, a warm kind of quiet that left both feeling calmer than they had at the start of the conversation. After two fairly short minutes, Kaoru heard Hikaru's breathe even out as he fell asleep. His brother was always able to fall asleep quicker than him. That night was no different for them. As Hikaru slept, the other twin lied there, thoughts rushing in his head.

He would do anything for his brother, even if it meant putting off his plans for a few weeks or months. But he still realized that eventually the levee would break again and his true desires would come through again. There was nothing he could do to stop it. And when what his brother was giving him wasn't enough again, he would turn back to his original thoughts, and this time, he wouldn't be stopped. The next time he decided to end it, he would surely be successful.

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 **Review?**


	4. Chapter 4

**New chapter. It's been a while, hasn't it? Sorry. I was having a bit of writer's block with this chapter. Hope you enjoy it, though. This one has my precious Haruhi in it. Remember, I don't own Ouran High School Host Club and never will.**

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The lunchroom bustled with people, all laughing and talking amongst themselves. A few girls gasped and waved when the Hitachiin twins walked in. Hikaru gave a smirk to some nearby girls, winding his arm around Kaoru's waist. They slowly walked, totally in synch, to the table where Haruhi was already sitting, eating her lunch. She looked up at them, wide brown eyes studying them for a minute.

"I'm going to go get us lunch," Hikaru said. He leaned over and kissed his brother's cheek before sauntering away. Kaoru watched him go before lowering himself into the seat across from Haruhi. Not in the mood for conversation, he just stared at the tabletop, sighing slightly.

"Hey," Haruhi said, setting down her chopsticks. "Are you gonna tell me what's up with you? You look like you didn't sleep at all last night." She tilted her head to the side, concern making her eyes darken. "Kaoru, you're not sick are you? Do you need to go to the nurse?"

"No, it's not that," he said, looking up at her with a soft smile that didn't touch his eyes. "I haven't been sleeping well recently and…" He trailed off, not wanting to drag Haruhi into his mess. It's not like he could tell her anything that wouldn't totally disgust her, anyway.

"And?" she asked, not letting up. Her voice was tinged with unease. "You can tell me, Kaoru. I won't tell anyone else, I promise."

"Just don't worry about it, Haruhi. There's nothing to be done about it." The younger twin shrugged, reaching over and picking up one of the fancy salt shakers that adorned every table in the lunch room. He tossed it between his hands, eyes transfixed on it. Haruhi watched as well, until his hand shook, causing him to drop it and spill salt across the table. "Oh," he said, giving off a humorless laugh. "That means bad luck, right?"

"I think you're supposed to toss a handful of salt over your shoulder if you do that," Haruhi said, smiling at him. "To ward of the bad luck."

He shrugged, scooping some of the salt into his hand. "It's not like I need any more bad luck in my life," he said. He tossed the handful of salt back over his shoulder and onto Hikaru who had just walked up with two trays of food.

"Kaoru!" the elder twin complained, dropping the trays onto the table and dusting the salt off his uniform blazer. "What the hell are you doing?"

"Oh, sorry Hika," he said, snickering a bit. "I was just warding off bad luck. But I guess it was more like transferring my bad luck onto you." Haruhi laughed as well, while Hikaru just dropped down into the seat beside his brother. He pushed one tray over to Kaoru who stared at it with a bit of disdain. "I'm not really hungry, Hika."

"I don't care," he said. "You're eating. You haven't been eating enough recently, but that changes today." The older twin picked up his chopsticks and dug into the lavish meal. Kaoru watched him before doing the same. Soon, the sound of slurping noodles drowned out the conversations going on around them. Haruhi finished her lunch and folded her arms across her chest, watching the twins.

"You're both a little out of it today," she observed, looking between the two. "You're generally more in synch. And you both look like you didn't really sleep that well last night. You two didn't have a fight did you?"

"No, not exactly," Hikaru said. He looked over at Kaoru for a minute, then back to Haruhi. "Kaoru had a little incident that kept us up late."

"Hika!" the younger protested, going red in the face. "Let's not talk about this here, okay?"

Hikaru looked down, shaking his head. "Sorry Kaoru, but we have to do something about this whole situation."

"We don't have to do anything," Kaoru said, stubbornly. He stood up, walking out of the lunch room. He heard footsteps behind him and turned, planning to tell his brother to leave him alone. But the words stuck in his throat when he saw Haruhi instead. She stopped in front of him, staring up at him with worried brown eyes. Sighing, Kaoru just looked away. "What do you want?" he finally asked.

"I want you to tell me what's going on," she said. "Maybe I can help. You never know. But I know that if you don't say anything there's no way anyone can. If it's not something I can do anything about, I promise I'll just walk away and pretend we never talked."

Kaoru fidgeted a bit, pulling on his sleeves slightly. He realized that Haruhi wouldn't give up. She was stubborn, just like him. Finally, he sighed and reached over, grabbing her arm. "Fine, come on," he said, dragging her away from the lunch room doors. Around the bend in the hallway, he stopped and looked down into her eyes. "You gotta promise me this," he said. "Once I show you, and you see that it nothing too terrible and nothing you can change, you'll just drop it, okay?"

"Yeah, I promise," she said. "That's what I told you I'd do anyway. Now, what do you need to show me?"

He sighed deeply, then quickly pulled his sleeve up, exposing the maimed skin on his arm. The scars crisscrossed each other over his wrist and upward. So many that there was no feasible way to count them all. Haruhi stared at them for a moment, then looked up at him with wide eyes. They stared at each other in silence for a moment before Kaoru quickly pulled his sleeve down and dropping his arms limply to his sides.

"Kaoru," she said. "Why in the world are you doing that to yourself?" She was dumbstruck, shocked. He could tell that was the last thing she was expecting from him. In fact, it probably wasn't even on her list of possibilities. "You need therapy or something…"

"Oh hell no," he said, shaking his head. "Now, you promised you'd walk away. You're not walking away, Haruhi. Why aren't you walking away?" He suddenly felt a few hot tears rise up in his eyes. "Please just forget about it?" he begged, a sob wracking his body.

"How could I just turn my back on a friend who needs help?" She stared at him for a second longer before slowly wrapping her arms around him. "I'm not good at emotional stuff, you know? But I do know that I care about you and I'm not going to let you go through this alone, okay?"

In a strange way, her hug was one of the most comforting things Kaoru had ever felt. He could tell she cared, he could tell she meant what she said. It was like being wrapped in a fuzzy blanket, all warm and protected. Still, he continued to cry, not knowing how to stop himself. Finally, his senses won out and he pulled away and wiped his eyes dry. "Thanks, Haruhi," he said. "But I don't need your help. I'll be fine. There's nothing you can do anyway."

"Well, I can't just pretend I don't know. You need to get help, Kaoru. I don't know if that means going to therapy or just talking to someone. But promise me that you'll at least try and stop doing this. I'll talk to you whenever you need me to."

"You're a good friend," he whispered, looking down.

"Does…does Hikaru know?" she asked, looking at him curiously.

"Yeah, he does. He found out last night."

"How about after the Host Club's dismissed we all three get together and talk? Think that would make you feel a little better?"

"Okay, sure," Kaoru said, nodding. "Thanks. I appreciate you…" He looked away, letting his shoulders droop a bit. He didn't want to sit down with Haruhi and his brother and talk through his feelings, but if it would make her feel better he was willing to do it. He thought that everyone deserved a friend like her. Still, her meddling wasn't going to be easy on him.

"Of course," she said, smiling just as Hikaru shot around the corner. He stopped in his tracks, then ran over and hugged his brother. Kaoru hugged back, feeling his heart thump in his chest. "I'll leave you two alone," Haruhi said before walking off.

"You worry me so much, Kaoru," the older boy said. He pulled away and placed his hands on either side of Kaoru. "I'm not ready to see you running off like that. I'm scared of what you're going to do when you're alone…" He sighed, frowning deeply. His eyebrows furrowed over his eyes, setting them in shadow. His lips turned down in such an uncharacteristic frown.

"I'm sorry," Kaoru said. He reached out and placed a hand on his brother's cheek. "But you can't keep me on a leash, you know."

"Oh yeah?" he asked, pulling him a bit closer. "Try me."

Kaoru laughed a bit, making the other ease up a bit. His eyes lightened, lips turning up in a smile, which in turn made Kaoru happier. "I love you, Hika," he said, letting his hand slide off his face down to the collar of his blazer. He smoothed it down, a small smile forming on his lips.

"I love you, too," his brother said, drawing him closer. "Which is why I care so much."

"I know," he said, wrapping his arms around his brother's neck. "Haruhi wants to meet up after Host Club to talk about…things. If you're up for that?"

"You told her?" There was no doubting the surprise in his voice, or in his eyes which widened considerably. Kaoru nodded, a bit confused. "I just thought…it was something we were going to keep between ourselves."

"No offense, Hikaru but this isn't a secret we whispered to each other on the playground," Kaoru said, a little dumbfounded that Hikaru cared that he'd told. "She says she wants to help, and since she's probably my closest friend…"

"Closest friend?"

"Well, besides you of course," Kaoru said. "Did I hurt your feelings?" He looked at his brother with concern, looking at him with wide and uncertain eyes. The last thing Kaoru ever wanted to do was to hurt his brother in anyway. Even if it was just a little thing, like having a friend, he didn't want Hikaru to think he loved him any less. Though, when he thought about it, Hikaru had never shown him the same courtesy. Recently, he'd been branching out and making new friends without a second thought to Kaoru or his feelings.

"Of course not," Hikaru said quickly, smiling a bit shakily. "You just surprised me that's all. I thought this was going to be an inner circle thing. Between us. Remember the promise. You let me take care of you."

"And I'll take care of myself," Kaoru said, smiling back. "And maybe I'm doing that by telling Haruhi. You know she cares about us, so…" He shrugged. "If you don't want to go talk to her, I'm sure she'd understand. We can just go home and talk after the club hours are over."

"No, I want to make sure you're working toward recovery. So we'll go talk to Haruhi. I don't mind doing that." Hikaru smiled brightly and pulled his brother into another hug. "As long as it's what you want."

"It is," Kaoru said, nuzzling at his brother's neck. "I think it's time for class, by the way." He chuckled a bit, as the hallway started to fill up with people heading toward their classrooms. "Maybe we should go ahead and-"

"Yeah, of course," Hikaru cut him off. Let's go." He pulled away and took his brother's hand, pulling him toward his class.

Kaoru followed, content with that, until he saw a familiar face in the crowd, watching him. He pulled his hand away from Hikaru, stopping. "Uh, Hika, you go ahead and go to class. I'll be right there," he said, already walking toward the boy. He stopped right in front of him, the crowd moving around them as they stared at each other. "I need…"

"More. I can do that for you," he said, leaning back against a wall. "You'll have to pay up front, though." Kaneki Shumi. A rich man's son that earned his own allowance by selling drugs to super rich people with too much time on their hands, or so Kaoru liked to think of him. They had met a few months earlier and his consistent supply had Kaoru hooked instantly.

"I can do that. I also need a new syringe and some needles. Can you get that to me by the end of the day?" He watched him, eyes conveying a bit too much desperation.

"Of course. Meet me out in front of the school after you're done with your little Host Club, okay? I'll be waiting." He shrugged away from the wall and walked off, waving a bit. Kaoru swallowed nervously, realizing the giant wrench that shoved into his plans.

A hand on his shoulder pulled him from his thoughts. He turned to Hikaru who was watching him strangely. "What do you need with Kaneki?" he asked, knowing the reputation the boy had.

"Oh, nothing," Kaoru said, waving him off. "He's offered to sell me stuff and I just wanted to tell him to leave me alone." He smiled, hoping it was convincing enough. Hikaru didn't press the issue, instead leading him into class. Sitting down in their sits, Kaoru began to worry over how he'd get his drugs and be able to keep his promise to Haruhi.

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 **Review, please?**


	5. Chapter 5

**Woo hoo, new chapter. I know you've all been waiting a really long time, but here it is. This chapter gets a little bit deep, but jumps around a lot. So if you get confused feel free to tell me. I love feedback. You can PM anytime you have questions. Remember, I don't own OHSHC and never will!**

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Club hours dragged by slowly, Kaoru's eyes glued to the clock above the big double doors. His brother's hand stayed tightly wrapped around his, limiting his movement and keeping him from scratching at his wrists like he wanted to. The girls didn't seem to catch on to the tension between them, or to Kaoru's worried nature, instead laughing and buzzing about as they normally did. At one point, Tamaki stole the whole show when he stood on a table and professed his undying love for Haruhi. Again.

Finally, at nearly ten o' clock, Kyoya started rounding up the girls and shuffling them out. They all said their goodbyes, "awwws", and giggles before leaving through the large doors. Haruhi walked over to the twins who were still sitting on the couch where they'd started the evening. Kaoru's shoulders were slumped to the floor, eyes now downcast. Hikaru sighed, then stood, tugging Kaoru to his feet.

"So, where exactly are we going," Haruhi asked, looking up at the taller boys. She flipped the hair out of her eyes, looking between them with varying amounts of worry. "I'm sure your place would be good. My dad isn't home tonight so I don't know how he'd feel about me having to boys over by myself."

"Yeah, we can go to the mansion," Hikaru said. "Come on, Kaoru. Let's go." He tugged on the younger's arm, but Kaoru resisted, making Hikaru look at him in surprise. "What is it, Kao?"

"Nothing," he said, smiling slightly. "I just need to use the bathroom first. I'll meet you both out back at our limo, okay?" He pulled his hand away, the connection breaking as did his heart. "I promise I'll be right there." He didn't wait for either of their affirmations before running off. He had to get to Kaneki who was waiting for him at the front of the school. And he had to keep either Hikaru or Haruhi from seeing him taking drugs from him.

Luckily, neither followed him, probably too baffled by his behavior to think clearly enough to do so. The hallways of the school were already dark as he jogged through them, tie flying up in to his face. He batted away the nuisance before coming to the large front doors. He shoved through them, and looked around to see Kaneki leaning against the railing of the stairs, smoking a cigarette. As Kaoru came closer, he realized that the other seemed to be very angry, impatient.

The drug dealer dropped the cigarette and stamped it out with his foot. He took a step forward and connected his fist to Kaoru's jawline, sending the smaller boy backwards. He fell, hand rising to his throbbing face, eyes widening. This wasn't unusual treatment, but he still didn't like it. Kaneki circled around him, glaring with his reddish-brown eyes.

"I was checking my books earlier. It seems," he said, shrugging his shoulders almost nonchalantly. "that you've missed a payment. Then you have the goddamned nerve to come and ask me for more. Then, you show up late to our meeting. That's just downright disrespectful, you little imp. If you think I need your money, I don't. I've got plenty of other suckers roped. If you start causing me problems, I'll end you." He stopped and squatted down so he was just inches from the smaller one's face.

"But…" Kaoru swallowed thickly, his nerves jarred by the menacing speech. "I have the money I owe you. And the money to pay for what I need today. And the Host Club got held up late so I couldn't get out. I'm sorry. We can still make this deal, right."

The older boy straightened up, rolling his eyes. "Yeah of course." He reached down and dragged the other up to a standing positing. I need the full 81, 643 yen right here, right now."

"Of course," Kaoru said shakily. He dug in his pocket for the wallet he kept inside. He emptied its contents and handed the money over to the grinning drug dealer. "Can I have the stuff? I really need to get back to my brother."

"You and your fucking brother," Kaneki sneered. "Are you two actually fucking with each other, or is that just an act you two sickos cooked up to please these girls. Either way, you both need some help. Same with your little fans. Honestly, who wants to think about two dudes going at it, much less when they're twins?" He spit on the ground, making Kaoru flinch. But, he pulled a small bag out of his jacket pocket and tossed it over. "There you go. Should last you at least through the week, unless you decide to get really crazy. But hey, you richies can always afford more, right?"

Kaoru quickly stuffed the bag into his pocket as the dealer chuckled darkly and turned away from him. He walked down the steps, lighting up another cigarette as he went. The red head turned and hustled up the steps, tucking the bag into his own pocket. Just as he grabbed the door handle, a dark figure emerged from behind a pillar to his right. He jumped back as the boy reached out and grabbed him, a scowl on his face. His glasses glinted in the dim light, as he reached into the other's pocket and pulled out the bag of drug paraphernalia.

Kyoya stepped forward, holding the bag in his hand as he released the younger boy. "I knew you were up to something," he said. "But, I really didn't expect it to be drugs." He slipped the bag into his pocket, then opened up the notebook he had tucked under his arm and began jotting down notes. Kaoru watched him with wide, golden eyes.

"Please, give it back," he asked, voice tinging on the desperate. "I won't be able to get any more until at least next week…" Kyoya's dark eyes flicked up from his writing to the shorter boy. "You don't understand what I'm going through. You can't make me just…go without. You've never been in my shoes, so… You just wouldn't understand."

"Oh, I wouldn't?" Kyoya snapped the notebook closed, then reached forward and grabbed the boy's upper arm. He dragged him through the doors into the hallways of the school. "Maybe you're right, and maybe I don't understand. And maybe, just maybe, I know exactly what you're going through. Maybe I've also had an addiction of sorts."

Kaoru struggled to keep up with the taller boy's long strides. He stumbled along, trying to pry Kyoya's hand from his arm. "What do you mean?"

Kyoya stopped, in front of the doors to the Host Club's headquarters, Music Room Three. "I'm saying that I understand you, Kaoru. I know most of you think that I'm entirely emotionless. But, that's not actually true, you know. I understand what it means to pine for someone that you can't have."

"Who?" Kaoru asked, looking up at the raven haired boy.

"That's none of your business. Listen, I want to help you, and I'm doing that in the best way I know how. Last the night without the drugs and when I see you tomorrow I'll give you some. I'm going to wean you off of this if it's the last thing I do."

"Why do you care? Don't you want me well enough to take part in the Club activities? I can't function without those drugs. I need a fix at least once a day, and I haven't had that yet." He stared up at Kyoya's shadowy face with a hint of desperation.

"Go without for the night," Kyoya said. "Or I'll tell your brother exactly what you've been up to when he's not watching you. And maybe I'll also let him know exactly how you feel about your older brother."

Kaoru's eyes widened in shock. Kyoya turned on his heel and walked away, shoes clicking against the tiled floor. As his steps faded into the distance, the young red head threw a punch at the music room door. He screeched in pain, his knuckles cracking against the solid wood. A few tears rose in his eyes as he dropped his arm to his sides and glared down at the pristine floor. After a moment, he managed to compose himself and began walking toward the back entrance where he knew his brother and Haruhi would be worriedly waiting for him.

It was no shock when he came upon the scene. Haruhi was leaning against the limo door, chewing on her bottom lip. Hikaru was pacing, back and forth, along the length of the car. As the younger twin approached, they both looked up at him with obvious relief in their eyes. Hikaru grabbed him, wrapping his arms around the other.

"You drive me crazy!" he said, sighing deeply. "Don't ever run off like that again!"

"I'm sorry, Hika…" Kaoru said, hugging back and leaning his head against his brother's shoulder. "It was an emergency. I'm fine now, see? No harm done. Why don't we go to our place and talk for a while, okay?" He closed his eyes, breathing in the familiar scent of his brother's cologne.

The three eventually piled into the limo, Kaoru now attached to his brother. Haruhi gazed out the window, obviously wanting to give them as much privacy as she could. Kaoru rested his head on Hikaru's shoulder, then turned his head to kiss his brother on the cheek and whisper, "Let's make this thing go by quick, okay? I'm really tired and we still need to shower and stuff."

"Of course," Hikaru agreed, his golden eyes narrowed on Haruhi for a moment before moving down to his brother. For some reason, the idea of her being there for their conversation irked him. Kaoru was his. His brother. His job to take care of. She didn't have a place in this. But if Kaoru wanted her there, then he wouldn't argue.

At the mansion, Hikaru led them inside, hand firmly clasped around Kaoru's. The guest followed behind them, looking around at all the furnishing with a bit of awe. Kaoru smiled at this. Sometimes he forgot that Haruhi hadn't grown up with all the benefits he had. Everyday items still held splendor for her. Something about the way her eyes brightened at each new item she saw made Kaoru's mood brighten as well. Not much, but enough that he didn't feel as sluggish anymore. They sat down around the large dining room table.

"So, what would you like to talk about, Kaoru?" Haruhi asked, reaching over and taking his hand across the table. "We can talk about anything you want. Like why you feel the need to hurt yourself like this."

Hikaru glared at their hands intertwined on the tabled for a moment before adding, "Yeah. Anything you need to say. Anything I can help you with." He reached over and ran a few fingers through his brother's hair. "Whatever you need to say, you can. We won't judge you or anything."

"I don't really need to say anything," Kaoru muttered. "This was Haruhi's idea. I guess, just that, I don't like how the world seems to be changing around me. I don't feel like I can go with it, but I have to. You know?" He looked into his brother's eyes, sadly. "I remember back when it was just us and I knew I could depend on you for anything. But now…I'm not so sure." He pulled his hand away from Haruhi's and reached up to stroke his brother's cheek. "I miss that."

"That's still true, though," he said, covering his brother's hand with his own. "I'm still your brother. You're still my twin, and the person I love the most in the entire world. I can't imagine life without you. You will always be able to depend on me. And me only."

"But it's not only him," Haruhi said, gaining the brother's attentions. "You have me, and the rest of the Host Club as well. We all care about you very much. Even Tamaki, though he's not the best at showing anything but his crazy side. And Kyoya, too. He might be a little cold, but he loves you, too. Even Mori. We're all here for you."

"That's just it, Haruhi," Hikaru suddenly chimed in. He glared at her with a surprising amount of malice that sent her leaning back from the table in fear he might lunge at her. "He doesn't want you to be there for him. He wants me. Look, honestly, I don't even know why you're here. Me and my brother need some time to talk through this alone, I think. Don't you agree, Kaoru?"

The younger twin gaped at his elder twin's sudden mood swing. He shook his head slowly, looking over to Haruhi. "No, that's not it. You're wrong. I don't want the Host Club and Haruhi and all our friends there to go away. I want us to be the unit again. I want our love to be what it used to be." He stood up, looking at his brother. "Why are you acting so hostile? You started acting like this earlier when I told you about Haruhi knowing? I thought you wanted me to get better. You're both just making me feel worse!"

"That's not what I'm meaning to do, Kaoru," Hikaru said.

"Me either," added Haruhi.

"Well that's what it feels like. You know what? I don't want anyone to fight over me. I don't want that, so stop! I just want my brother back, that's all!"

"I'm right here, Kaoru. You haven't lost me."

"Yes I have! I lost you a long time ago. I lost you when you decided I wasn't enough for you, but that you should be enough for me! You know, most people can't even tell us apart, but it's still always about you! We're always asking "which one is Hikaru?" Well how about which one is Kaoru? Because, I don't even know that right now. All I know is that I love you, and you'll never love me in the same way. I can't keep doing this. I just can't!"

Kaoru ran from the room and up the stairs. He heard two sets of footsteps following him, but he ignored it and threw himself through the door of a bathroom in the hallway. He shut and locked the door, ensuring that neither could come after him. He leaned back against the wooden door, starting to sob. He felt that the last bit of his heart that was still together shattered and fell to the floor around his feet. He heard his brother knocking on the other side of the door and calling for him, but it felt empty and hollow. Hikaru would never be just his brother. He'd always be more. But as far as Hikaru was concerned, Kaoru wasn't even his own person. Just a shadow of what the elder twin was, an extension of himself. And Kaoru couldn't live like that anymore.

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	6. Chapter 6

**Here's another chapter for this story. Sorry it took so long, guys. I honestly don't even have an excuse... Enjoy! I don't own OHSHC and never will.**

 **TW for serious self harm, self depreciation and some smut like qualities**

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Droplets, deep red in color, hit the tiled floors of the bathroom. They rolled off pale arms and to fell to the ground. Soon, the droplets formed a puddle underneath the boy's arms as he held them out. Blood ran from the cuts he had made across them, raining down onto the white tiles. Soon, crystalline tears joined the blood as they poured from his cheeks like two mighty rivers. Sobs echoed in the room as the razor responsible for the carnage fell from his fingers and landed with a wet clank in the puddle of blood. The sound of a key turning in the lock didn't perturb him as he sunk to his knees, letting the liquid stain his pants.

Hikaru opened the door after finally retrieving the key and stopped in his tracks, light fading from his eyes as he looked at the crumpled heap of his twin. Haruhi shoved past him, freezing as well when her eyes found the sad sight. The elder twin slowly took a step forward and crouched beside Kaoru, reaching out to place a comforting hand on his shoulder. This only caused his sobs to grow in volume and intensity, and Hikaru quickly retracted his hand, looking to Haruhi for some sort of guidance. She could only turn and leave the room, overwhelmed.

"Oh, Kao…" he said, looking back at his brother. "Whatever drove you toward this isn't worth hurting yourself like this. We can get through this together. You just have to be strong. I'll help you in any way I can. I promise. Come on, let's get you patched up, alright?"

"No," came Kaoru's choked voice. "You're the one who drove me to this, Hikaru… I don't want to see you right now. Leave me alone."

Hikaru pulled back like he'd been struck, then stood up and walked out of the room, defeated. He slowly shut the door, allowing Kaoru the privacy he wanted. The muffled sounds of an argument could be heard through the wood, only Hikaru's final comment coming through loud enough to make out. "He doesn't want our help right now. Just leave him alone." A last heartrending sob came from deep in Kaoru's chest before he began to force the onslaught of tears back down. Hikaru knew him so well, he knew that now was not the time to try and comfort him.

Kaoru forced himself up and leaned forward against the counter, looking at his haggard face in the mirror. A deep sigh came from his slightly parted lips, revealing just how tired he really was. He reached forward and turned the sink on, waiting for the water to heat up before he placed a washcloth under the spray. After it was soaked, he wiped his arms down, wincing at the pain it caused but also relishing it. He then lowered himself back to the floor and wiped up the blood. Throwing the dirty washcloth into the hamper, he took a deep breath then stepped outside into the hallway.

Haruhi had sat down, her head downcast and bangs covering her face. Hikaru was leaning against the wall, a haunted look in his eyes. He turned first, then embraced his brother, a few tears pricking at his own eyes. The other companion slowly stood, meeting Kaoru's dead gaze with one of worry. Kaoru hung limply in his brother's arms until Hikaru slowly let him go. They stared into each other's eyes, no dialogue needed for communication. Hikaru was worried, hurt even by the thought that he could be the cause of his brother's pain. Kaoru was disappointed in everything, saddened by his place in the world, and hurt by the fact that his brother could never understand what he wanted from him.

"Kaoru, I don't know what I can do for you tonight," Haruhi said, voice breaking slightly. "So I'm just going to go home, let you and Hikaru work some things out." She stepped slightly forward, gently placing a hand on his upper arm, a gesture meant to be comforting. "If you need anything you can call me. Or just swing by. My dad likes you both, unlike Tamaki…" She slowly retracted her hand and looked over at Hikaru who said something about getting her a limo to take her home which Kaoru paid no attention to.

They both walked away, leaving him standing there by himself, his arms aching and heart racing slightly. Quickly, he turned and walked down the hallway to the bedroom he shared with his brother. Just stepping into the sanctuary made him feel better for a moment. He stood in the center of the room for a moment before he suddenly felt arms winding around him from behind. He leaned back into his brother's comforting embrace.

"Do you want to shower with me…?" he asked, making Kaoru's heart leap into his throat. "I can help clean your cuts a little better… Now that I know, you've got nothing to hide from me right?"

"Right…" Kaoru muttered weakly, then turned around and buried his face in his brother shoulder. "But first, can't you just hold me for a minute. I'm sorry I yelled at you…"

"No, no, you were absolutely right to be angry…" Hikaru held his brother like he was made of glass. "Um…I'm sorry that I've been treating you like that. Look, I'm not good at apologizing, you know that. But…you know how much I really do love you right? And it kills me inside that you would be hurting yourself because…because of me."

"No, it's not…I mean, yeah you hurt my feelings a bit but…" Kaoru sighed then pulled away, his golden eyes filling up with tears. "Whatever I do to myself, I do because of myself. You're not to blame, Hikaru…I promise you."

For a long moment, they just stared at each other, Kaoru wanting desperately for his brother to understand that it was not his fault, while Hikaru clearly was only worried for his brother's safety and sanity. Once they each felt satisfied, they relaxed, their movements synched up to one another's as it had always been. Then, Hikaru slowly reached over to take his brother's hand and pulled him toward the bathroom. Kaoru followed willingly.

The shower quickly filled the bathroom with steam as Hikaru gently unbuttoned Kaoru's shirt, their reflections in the mirror beside them becoming hazy. Kaoru bowed his head to hide his blush, unsuccessfully. The shirt was eventually removed, the bandaged on his arms unwound, and his pants unbuttoned before Kaoru gently pushed his brother's hands away.

"I'm not a child, Hika…" he said, blushing deeply. "I really can undress myself." He turned and slid his pants off of himself, acting as if he was trying to prove a point, but really just far too embarrassed by the way his body was reaction to Hikaru's actions.

The elder brother just shrugged, and stipped himself, the walked over to the shower by himself. Kaoru mentally prepared himself before walking over and joining his brother. HIkaru was already scrubbing shampoo into his hair, eyes closed tightly. Kaoru took the moment to take in the full, beautiful image of his brother. Lean arms, pale chest, leading down to the large penis that hung between his legs. Kaoru bit his lip imagining how big he would be if he was aroused, face turning bright red at the thought. He quickly turned away, reaching for the shampoo bottle, wanting to cleanse his thoughts of the boy now standing behind him.

A few seconds later however, his hands were overtaken as Hikaru threaded his fingers into the younger's hair and begin to massage the boy's scalp. Kaoru let his jaw drop open, leaning back into his brother's touch. This went on for several minutes before Hikaru whispered, "Do you remember when I used to this for you when we were little."

Kaoru just nodded, not trusting himself to talk at that particular moment. Behind him, Hikaru's body moved in closer, his chest now pressing lightly against his back. Kaoru's blush darkened so that even from behind him Hikaru could notice it. He watched curiously for a moment before his eyes fell downwards on Kaoru's penis which was slowly becoming aroused.

More curiously than anything else, Hikaru continued to rub his fingers against his brother's scalp, beginning to get a bit rougher to see what the outcome would be. In a matter of seconds, Kaoru was completely hard, his head leaning so far back that once Hikaru let go of it, Kaoru let it sag onto his brother's shoulder. Hikaru lowered his hands to his sides, unsure what to think. It wasn't the first time he'd seen Kaoru get aroused like this, but that was generally back when they were horny thirteen year olds going through puberty and he would catch him watching gay porn or something.

"Well, that's new…" he finally whispered, seemingly waking Kaoru from a trance.

He glanced down, blush now exploding over his face in a terrific color. "Oh my god, I'm so sorry Hika, I don't know what happened!" He covered his face with his hands, ashamed. Slowly, Hikaru pried his hands away from his face before shaking his head, smiling slightly.

"Hey, it's okay. I understand. Sometimes things just happen…" He chuckled lightly, then gently pushed Kaoru under the stream of water to rinse his hair out. "You can jerk off if you want. I mean, this is the perfect place to do it. I don't mind."

The younger twin shook his head quickly, too ashamed to even think about it. Hikaru chuckled again at the strange look in his brother's eyes. They were never embarrassed around each other. This was totally strange for him. So he finally just reached down and begin to stroke his own member, Kaoru's eyes dropping down to watch him for a moment. Unlike his brother at the moment, Hikaru wasn't shy at all. And it had been a good while since he got a good time to do this.

Eventually a few moans escaped Hikaru's mouth as he begin moving his hand faster and faster. Kaoru, unable to contain himself began doing the same. His eyes were still locked on his brother's movements as Hikaru closed his eyes and tilted his head toward the ceiling. Soon both boys' moans filled the room, as they neared their climax together. With one final stroke on both their parts they came, shouting loudly together,

"Hikaru!"

"Haruhi!"

As they settled, the floor and wall of the shower now painted with their come, each brother stared at the other, completely baffled and confused. Hikaru was the first to speak after he had caught his breath and let his thoughts catch up to him.

"Um, what did you just say…?"

"No, what did _you_ just, say!?" Kaoru screamed back at him, now feeling honestly and hopelessly betrayed. "Haruhi? Really? Of all the people in the world, you had to pick Haruhi!?"

"I didn't pick her, Kaoru! She's just who I started thinking about." He stared at the younger boy for a second before shaking his head bewildered. "I don't know why you're the one upset. You yelled MY name. MINE. What the hell, Kaoru?"

The distraught younger twin just shook his head and quickly got out of the shower. He wrapped a towel around himself and marched back down to the hallway bathroom to complete his shower. Hikaru didn't even try to come after him this time.

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